Here's What's Really Holding You Back

I’ve spent the last few weeks talking with smart, educated, successful women about a brand-new coaching program I’m launching soon.  They’ve got credentials out the wazoo.  They’ve got prestigious job titles and nice, fat paychecks.  And they’ve got one thing in common: they’re lacking the confidence they need to live the life they dream of.

You know how I noticed?  Because, I was in their shoes not terribly long ago and from time to time, I’m still wearing them around.

And it turns out this is an epidemic among women and the basis for a book called The Confidence Code (being added to my to-read list ASAP). 

I talked a few weeks ago about 6 Tips to Up Your Confidence at Work, but what I’ve really honed in on over the past few weeks is that THIS ISN’T JUST ABOUT THE OFFICE. 

It bleeds into every area of our lives – from not speaking up in a meeting, to wanting to lose “the last 10 pounds” (seriously, this must be some kind of magic number, because I heard it from every single woman), to feeling guilty about taking time away from work or family to care for themselves.

Ladies, this is a real problem.

If you’re looking for ways to up your confidence every day, try one of these quick-fix recommendations (courtesy of The Confidence Cure):

1. Get in the right position

Research suggests that women won’t seek a promotion unless they feel they have close to 100 percent of the qualifications, while men will go for it if they think they have just 60 percent.

Now, there’s definitely a sweet spot here, and my hat’s off to the guys for figuring this one out.  You want to find a role that you excel at (60% of the qualifications) but that also pushes you outside of your comfort zone and allows you to grow (40% learning curve).

2. Don’t ‘fake it til you make it’

This ages-old adage just needs to die.  Now.

In the age of social media, there’s pressure from all sides to look and act a certain way: to have the perfect job, incredibly fun weekend adventures, exotic vacations, and be pretty and polished for a selfie at any given moment.

But, guess what?  Life doesn’t work like that.  And pretending it does is creating major anxiety for us.

Let go of the expectations and ease into what's real in the present moment.  

3. Make friends with failure

As successful women, we’re programmed to believe that failure is bad.  But failure is our best teacher and when we allow ourselves to go all in and fail fast, we learn best of all.

“Failing fast allows for constant adjustment, testing, and quick movement toward what will actually work. The beauty is that when you fail fast, or early, you have a lot less to lose. Usually you are failing small, rather than spectacularly. And you have a lot to gain from learning as you fail.” (Source: theConfidenceCode.com)

And, if you’re curious where your confidence stands relative to other women, take the free Confidence Quiz over at theConfidenceCode.com. (I scored a medium)

I Had a Huge Fight with My Husband

I’m not one to air my dirty laundry… and in all honesty, I don’t have that much…but on Sunday night I had a big fight with my husband.

We were having a bit of a heated discussion (so emotions were high) and the he did something I despise.  He asked me how I felt and just as I was getting into a response, HE INTERUPPTED ME TO TELL ME HOW HE FELT.  He wasn’t listening to me.

There’s nothing that make us feel unvalued faster than not being heard.

And, of course, it’s not just husbands that do this. 

It’s best friends, bosses, coworkers, moms.  It’s the woman who does your hair, your bartender.  It can be anyone.

I was kind of lucky that this happened with my husband, because once I calmed down a little I was totally comfortable telling him, “You have a communication problem.  You don’t listen.” (trust me, he heard that LOUD and CLEAR)  But, obviously, you can’t exactly say that to your boss and sometimes it’s tough to say that to a friend.

So what do you do when your feelings are heart, your confidence is shot, but you still have something important to say?  Try these 3 tips for getting your message across when you’re not being heard.

1. Step Back

If you’re feeling emotional, it can be a struggle to get your message out there in a way that will really be heard.  Take a brief step back and evaluate what’s at the root of your emotional response and ask yourself how you can use that to your advantage.  I’m not talking about being manipulative here, I’m talking about strategically using your emotions to be a more effective communicator – there’s a difference.

2. Write It Out

If you’re blocked by emotion and struggling to articulate your point of view to the audience in question, write it out.  Writing can be very therapeutic and a great means to get to the root of your message.  You don’t need to share what you wrote, but it is a great tool to develop talking points to move the discussion beyond frustration and into something more valuable.

3. Flip the Script

Chances are, if someone is interrupting you to get their point across, they’re lacking confidence around the topic and feel like their opinion doesn’t matter, either.   (That, or you’re dealing with a huge asshole – we’ll leave this one for another day.)

Start by focusing outward on how they feel, not how you feel.  This may seem counterintuitive, because what you have to say matters, but trust me, it works!  Make them feel the way you want to feel by validating their point of view and then use it as a bridge to explain your own.   

What are your best tips for keeping your cool and getting your message out there when you’re not being heard?

6 Tips to Up Your Confidence at Work

In my last corporate gig, I had a manager that just didn't understand me.  He didn’t see the value that I brought to the table.   I'm a top performer and I left work every day feeling horrible about my contribution. What's worse: over-time, I started to forget what I was truly capable of.  

While I knew I had great work in me, the lack of appreciation, understanding, or support left me feeling uninspired, unproductive, and disengaged.  My confidence at work was at an all-time low.

It's in moments like these that I'm reminded that I'm the only one responsible for my happiness and the only one capable of picking myself up.  The solution had to start with me.  Upping my confidence at work created an environment where I was more highly regarded, sought out by key people for my expertise, and just downright HAPPIER at work.

If you’re ready to ooze confidence in the office every day, try these 5 simple strategies:

1.       Have a Vision

It’s hard to get what you want if you don’t know what it is.  Develop a crystal clear vision and spend a few minutes each day thinking about it – what it looks like, what if feels like once you’ve achieved it.  Spending just a few minutes each day being mindful of you vision will leave you feeling the way you want to feel today, not just after your vision is a reality.

2.       Be Prepared

One of the best tidbits of career advice I ever got was to always be prepared to run any meeting, even if it’s not yours.  Being prepared, in any situation, shows that you are organized, resourceful, and on top of your game. Nothing screams confidence like really wowing those around you.

3.       Smile

Smiling sends a very clear message to those around you: you are happy to be in their presence and you are positive and optimistic.  Smiling helps those around you feel warm and welcomed, which will help you leave any interaction feeling confident and secure.

4.       Create Opportunities to Grow

Recognize that each day is a chance to grow as a person and a professional.  What can you do today to be just a little better than you were yesterday?  The shifts don’t need to be monumental – think about the impact that a single small change every day can make over time.

5.       Build on Your Strengths

We all have things that we are naturally great at.  Seek out opportunities to use your strengths.  If an opportunity presents itself, ask for it.  Not sure what your strengths are?  Take the Top 5 Strengths Assessment to find out.

6.       Put Yourself Out There

Just because one person doesn’t see your value, doesn’t mean others don’t or won’t.  Create opportunities where you can contribute on a broader level.Seek out new projects, talk to other teams, ask questions, get involved!  Organizational hierarchies can be tricky, so be careful navigating these waters- but that’s not an excuse not to try to put yourself out there. 

This Single Daily Activity Will Change Your Life

When I hit rock bottom in my consulting career, I was miserable to be around.  All I did was bitch and complain – about inadequate management, lazy coworkers, my morning commute, crappy clients, my aching back, my messy house.  You name it, and I found a way to complain about it.Guess where all that got me?

Nowhere. 

I felt all alone.

Like there was no one in the world who could understand what I was going through.  Like I was working harder than everyone and no one appreciated ME.  Like I was the lynch pin holding it all together and that if I took a step away, the whole world would come crumbling down.

I hadn’t quite realized yet that my world was already crumbling.

There’s something really subtle here that was preventing me from “seeing the light”…

chronic stress

It wasn’t that no one was appreciating me.  IT WAS THAT I WASN’T APPRECIATING ANYONE ELSE.

By focusing on the lack and frustration in my life, I had blinders on when it came to seeing the good things around me.

Once I started to approach my day, my work, my coworkers, and my husband with gratitude, there was an instant shift.

I stopped feeling alone; I was a supported member of a team.  I realized that I wasn’t the only one effective at getting things done, but that in my blindness, I’d failed to utilize the strength in others.  All of a sudden the tightness in my back, which was likely caused by chronic stress, lessened – I felt looser and freer.

The practice of gratitude allowed me to see the world around me in a completely different way than I had previously been experiencing it.  And the world around me hadn’t really changed, but I had.

Now, I spend a few minutes each morning consciously being grateful for the opportunities that will be available to me in the day ahead – even when my mornings are hectic I find a way to get this done: in the shower, during my workout, in the car, as I’m making breakfast.   

I end my day sharing at least 3 things that I’m grateful for with my husband (usually, once the list starts, it expands way beyond just 3 things).  This has been a really beautiful thing for us to do together and has strengthened our relationship in unmeasurable ways.  Who can you share your gratitude with?

Now, it’s your turn. 

TAKE INSPIRED ACTION: How can you consciously practice gratitude every day?

4 Keys to Having It All

How often do we ask ourselves the question: can I have it all?

Our culture pushes us to work for the high-profile job, the big house, the fancy car, the happy marriage, the 2.5 kids, the golden retriever.  Those things will make us happy... won’t they?

having it all

If you cut through all the bull shit, having it all can actually be really simple... at the end of the day, it’s about a shift in PERSPECTIVE, not about what you have or don’t have.

Don’t get me wrong – shifting your perspective takes work.  It is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do, but the process is simple – there are just 4 keys to having it all.

1. Define what ‘having it all’ means to you. 

Success, in work and in life, looks different for each of us.  What does it look like to you?  Dedicate time to answering this question. 

What will having it all look like? 

What will having it all feel like? 

Where will you be when you have it all? 

Who will be with you? 

Get REALLY clear on your vision of having it all.  Write it out as if you already have it and reflect on it often.  

Lastly, ask yourself how your vision makes you feel?  If it doesn’t get you excited, you’re not being truthful with yourself.  If that’s the case, it’s time to go back to the drawing board.

2. Acknowledge that there will always be give and take. 

I’m pretty open about the fact that I think work life balance is bullshit – there is no such thing as balance.  Priorities are in a constant state of flux. 

It’s not all or nothing, but at any given moment in life, something will take priority.  Be OK with that.  Know that some days you’ll work late, some days you’ll need time off for family, some days you’ll be running to happy hour, and some days a romcom will be calling your name. 

3. Set aside time every day to do something you love. 

It is way too easy to get caught up in our to-do lists and in other people’s agendas.  Set aside time, even if just 5 minutes, to do something that makes you smile.  It could be as simple as savoring a delicious cup of tea or rocking out to your new favorite song.  Or it could be more involved – getting lost in a good book, going for a run, getting a massage.  Bottom line: treat yourself well each day.

make you happy

4. And the absolute most important key to having it all: be grateful for what you have now.

Gratitude is a really amazing thing.  Gratitude breeds happiness.  Gratitude breeds faith – an expectation that good things fill your life and will continue to fill it each day. 

Practicing gratitude helps us to realize, every day, how much we really do have – you know, all those things we all normally take for granted.

And, if by practicing gratitude, you look frequently, closely, and carefully, you’ll learn you already do have it all.

What's Your Mission? Keys to Crafting Your Personal Mission Statement

Last week I talked about what to do when you wake up totally dreading the day.  Fueling your body right, getting plenty of sleep, surrounding yourself with good, supportive people... all that will absolutely help your cause. But what happens when you feel totally disconnected from your job?  What if you feel like you’re not making a contribution?  What then????

Insert the personal mission statement.

Companies have mission statements; have you ever considered creating one for yourself?

A personal mission statement will help you:

• Focus on the positive aspects of your work;
• Contribute to work that aligns with your values; and,
• Course-correct when things are out of whack.

When crafting your personal mission statement, the goal is to answer the following questions directly and concisely:

• What do I want to do?
• Who do I want to help?
• What is the result? What value will I create?

So how do you get started developing your personal mission statement?  Start by answering these questions:

1. What activities make you lose track of time?
2. What makes you feel great about yourself?
3. Who inspires you most? (Anyone you know or do not know. Family, friends, authors, artists, leaders, etc.) Which qualities inspire you, in each person?
4. What comes easily to you?  What are you amazing at?
5. When do you feel powerful, passionate, free, incredibly useful, excited, inspired?
6. What would you like to STOP doing?
7. How would you like to be seen, recognized, acknowledged, awarded, praised?
8. What do people typically ask you for help with?  What do people thank you for?
9. If you had to teach something, what would you teach?
10. What are your biggest past successes (work, home, personal, etc.)?  Is there a common theme (or themes)?  If so, write them down.
11. What causes do you strongly believe in? Connect with?
12. If you could get a message across to a large group of people. Who would those people be? What would your message be?

Read through your answers from above.  Do you notice any common themes?  Combine your answers to the above questions to craft an overarching personal mission statement (1-3 sentences is ideal).

TAKE INSPIRED ACTION:

This week, develop your personal mission statement and take action on at least one of the following:

1. What three actions can you take this week to nurture your true strengths and live your mission?
2. What three things will you stop doing this week to live in alignment with your mission?
3. Who can support you in living your mission?  Identify your “starters”.

What To Do When You Wake Up Dreading the Day

The alarm goes off and you snooze for another hour.The idea of getting out of bed and starting your day is almost too much to handle.

There is absolutely NOTHING that you’re looking forward to.  In fact, it’s fair to say you’re absolutely DREADING the day.

Here are a few simple steps to get you passed the point of crawling under a rock for all eternity:

1. Define Your Personal Mission Statement

Chances are, if you’re feeling completely drained, you’re doing work that’s not aligned with your values.  By defining a personal mission statement, you can flip your perspective and focus more attention on tasks that align with your mission.   To create your mission statement, start by answering these questions:

• • What do I want to do?
  • Who do I want to help?
  • What is the result? What value will I create?

Stay tuned next week for a complete mission statement how-to.

2. Sweat It Out

exercise sweet

Unless you’ve been under that rock I mentioned above for a REALLY long time, you know that exercise helps elevate your mood.   When you absolutely do not want to workout, that’s the exact time when you SHOULD.  Get moving with something fun – you really don’t have to be chained to the treadmill for this to work.

3. Fuel Up Right

One of the reasons I love, love, LOVE talking about food (aside from it being delicious!) is that what you put in your body has a huge effect on how you feel – both physically and mentally.  To clear some of the “gunk” that’s dragging you down, start your day with warm lemon water with cayenne and a green smoothie.  Load up with a huge leafy green salad for lunch.  Go meatless for dinner (veggie burritos or one-pot quinoa, anyone?).  And of course, hydrate like a mofo.  Divide your weight by 2 to get a rough estimate of the oz. of H2O you need daily.

drink your greens

4. Call Me!

As a coach, I work with clients all the time who are going through EXACTLY what I described above.  Hell, I’ve been there myself!  Overwhelm, underwhelm, lack of motivation and inspiration – whatever it is that’s got you dreading the day, we can work through it.Schedule a free Breakthrough Session to get you back to feeling great.  Remember, procrastination is NOT your friend!

What one step will you take within the next 48 hours to get you jumping out of bed in the morning?

5 Tips for Succeeding at Life (because resolutions suck)

Resolutions suck. For real.

Less than 8% of people actually follow through with resolutions.

Are you surprised?

Me either.

Here’s the thing: resolutions are fleeting.

How about instead of setting resolutions, we just RESOLVE to CREATE LASTING LIFESTYLE CHANGE (or revolt and eat all the jelly beans... whatever.)

new years resolution

Here are 5 of my best tips to always be successful at LIFE, no matter what you’re up to:

1. Be a student

The most successful people I’ve ever met (myself included, of course) seek out opportunities to learn. And not just from their daily experiences, although that’s part of it.

Become an avid reader. Attend a seminar. Take a class. Seek knowledge.

2. Limit distractions

If you’re read my eBook, you know that I think multi-tasking is a joke. It’s old news, folks!

But did you know this: according to a study conducted by Michigan State University, interruptions as short as 3 seconds DOUBLE errors.

So every time you pick up your phone to answer a text, or check in on your Twitter feed, or chat online with a coworker, your potential for success decreases dramatically.

My quick fix suggestions: turn off email notifications, log off of instant messenger, check email and social media on a fixed schedule.

3. Be accountable

We’ve all heard this before – but how often do we actually take action?

Tell someone (ANYONE!) your goals – a spouse, friend, coach, your dog... no, don’t tell your dog... tell someone who has the ability to ask: Hey, have you paid off your credit card bill yet? Have you told your boss that you want to work part-time? Have you started planning your big family vacation?

4. Start where you're at

Let’s get cliche for a second – Rome wasn’t built in a day.

And the masterpiece that is you – as wonderful as you already are – wasn’t either. Growth, transformation, success... it’s a PROCESS.

It takes time to get from point A to B (or C or D or L). And no one’s jumping from D straight to L – first you go to E, then F... you get the point.

Meet yourself where you’re at – alphabetically or otherwise. Make the next logical step, from D to E, and move on from there.

5. Be generous

You know what feels GOOD? Being nice to people.

There’s something about sharing what you’ve got goin’ on that really elevates your whole mood, your whole world.

It doesn’t even need to cost anything: send a note, give a phone call, open a door – small gestures of generosity speak volumes and come back in spades.

This week’s challenge: Perform a selfless act of generosity. Tell me what you did and how you FEEL in the comments.

How to Rock Your Performance Review

That moment when the invite for your annual review hits your inbox… and dread sets in…

You know what I’m talking about, right?

Even for rockstar employees like yourself, annual reviews can leave a bad taste in your mouth, especially in a world of check boxes and ridiculous HR requirements. 

(Am I the only one here who’s worked at a company were you literally were not allowed to be ranked high on everything?  What kind of BS is that?!?!)

But there’s another side to annual reviews.  They provide an opportunity to celebrate your accomplishments and to demonstrate to your manager how you see your performance, your value, and your future.

Here are five tips to rock your performance review.

1. Get in the driver’s seat

One of the best pieces of career advancement advice I ever got was this:

“If you’re manager invites you to a meeting, never assume that he/she is running the meeting.  Always be prepared to take the ball and run with it.”

With performance reviews, this is even more critical.  You have a vested interest in the outcome of the meeting, so take charge of driving the conversation.

DO:Have talking points and questions ready.

DON’T:Be so stringent that your manager can’t get a word in edge-wise.

2. Decide what you really want (and deserve).

We all, invariably, want to earn more money.  But is this all what you really want?  (It’s ok if it is)

Think bigger picture here.  When you think of your career, what do you want to accomplish?  What do you want to be known for?  It might be a cross-functional training opportunity. It might be leadership development.  

Get clear on what you want: money, a promotion, a client-facing role, training opportunities, autonomy.

DO: Ask – clearly and concisely – for what you really want and be prepared with suggestions for how your manager can help you reach your goals.

DON’T:Be unreasonable.  Asking for a 20% raise when the average for your company is 4% is not only likely to be denied, but you’ll also be taken a lot less seriously for asking for it.

3. Power in Numbers

Look – your performance review is not an opportunity to bitch and complain, talk about how you feel, or lay out what you “think” you deserve.  It’s your (sometimes one and only) annual chance to prove your value.  Feelings and your personal sense of entitlement do not demonstrate the quality and merit of your performance.  Facts make your case.

DO: Have concrete details (and the numbers to back them up) about the contributions you’ve made to the company’s goals.  Be as thorough as possible.   

DON’T:Leave it to your manager to know what you accomplished this year.

4. Practice your delivery

A performance review is an inherently nerve-wracking situation; practice can help you feel cool, calm, and collected, even under stress.   Rehearse asking for and justifying what you want. It gets easier and more natural every time you say it out loud.  Also, practice consciously restraining from filling in all the dead space.  Give your manager time to contemplate and respond.

DO:Practice out loud (just like back in grade school when you had a big presentation)

DON’T:Wing it (unless you don’t really care if you get what you want)

5. Be Open to Criticism

News flash: you’re not perfect! (sorry to burst your bubble)

But, even if you were, there’s still an opportunity to be EVEN BETTER. 

Ask for feedback on your work.  Get specific details and ask clarifying questions if you need to.

DO:Use criticism as an opportunity to grow your skillset and advance your career.

DON’T:Get combative.  Picking a fight will not support your case that you’re a stellar employee.

So, are you ready to rock your performance review yet?  Go get ‘em, tiger.

rock your performance review

I Don't Have a Weight Loss Story

Clients often come to me for help with weight loss.  I don't "do" weight loss.  It just happens to be a benefit of the work that I do.   Weight is a symptom that there is an imbalance in your life related to your "primary food" - surrounding yourself with authentic and heart-warming people, finding ways to be active, doing work you love.

"Food is more than what you find on your plate.  [Primary food] can fill your soul and satisfy your hunger for life. When primary food is balanced and satiated, your life feeds you, making what you eat secondary...When we use secondary food as a way to alleviate or suppress our hunger for primary food, the body and mind suffer. Weight gain is just one of the consequences."

Let me tell you a story...not a weight loss story, a stress loss story.

When I was in the thick of a miserable existence, I was using all my energy (and most of the hours in my day) at work.  The last year at that job, I literally dragged myself out of bed every day, totally spent from the day before, just to head back to the gray cubicle that I'd grown more and more resentful of.  I let my 6-year relationship with the man who would eventually become my husband, THE most important relationship in my life, become secondary.  I ate whatever quick meals I could grab and go with, or I didn't eat at all.  When I was exhausted in the middle of the day, I headed to Starbucks to throw my hard-earned money at a triple shot (or quad if it was one of THOSE days) latte.  When I got home, the first thing I did was pour a glass (or four) of wine, before logging back in to work.  Eventually, I'd settle in to a restless night, just to wake up and do it all over again.

At the same time as this job was totally draining me, I was also deeply engaged in the work that I was doing, and I was f'ing good at it, too.  I still don't quite understand how I could love and resent something at the same time, but that's what it was.  Leaving felt like admitting defeat; staying felt worse every single day.

I was a mess.  I couldn't see it, but my primary food was TOTALLY out of whack and the symptoms were all there:

-A disgruntled attitude and accompanying constant stream of expletives coming from my cube -Binge drinking several nights a week - an escape from the drudgery of my everyday life -Constantly dipping energy levels, only fixed with multiple shots of espresso -Trouble sleeping through the night and waking up feeling drained -An emotional and physical disconnect from my husband; and -A reciprocal emotional and obsessive connection with my work

It was bad... but it didn't seem to be quite bad enough for me to quit.  Honestly, if I hadn't had the eye-opening experience where I realized I was totally replaceable, I might still be in that job.  I'd be single, have put on 20+ pounds, and get about 5 hours of sleep a night (if I was lucky).  

It was incredibly hard, but I did leave.  And something amazing happened as a result: I started to take care of ME.  I started running and got serious about my yoga practice; I even went so far as to go to yoga teacher training.  I spent more time with my husband - quality time, not "bitch about lazy coworkers" time.  I cooked more and ate lots and lots of vegetables.  I went on a hunt for work I loved (and I found it!).  Once I started to do the hard work of getting my primary food in order, the stress melted off of me - slowly at first, but compounding over time.

It happens like that with weight, too; when you start to do the hard work of creating a life you love, the rest starts to fall in to place.

It's not easy.  It's not always fast.  It's hard to walk away from things that don't serve us.  It's tough to take a step back.  But, it's also revolutionary, and empowering, and beautiful - and, as a personal coach, I'm here for you every step of the way.