Is it complacency or balance? The heart of work life balance issues.

“My career defines me; it’s who I am since I’ve graduated.  But climbing [the corporate ladder] hasn’t made me happy and where I’m spending my energy is all wrong.  Maybe I just need to be complacent and stop worrying about getting to the next level.”

This is the gist of a conversation I had with a new client earlier this week.  I could sense the frustration and pain, and it was a feeling that was all too familiar.  I’ve had the exact same work life balance issues.

You spend years building a successful career and teaching other people what to expect of you, but then one day, you wake up and realize you want something more than that. 

But changing is not that easy.  You can’t just wake up one day and instantly have a different life. 

It takes work, determination, and sacrifice. 

It requires consistency of action when you start to doubt your choices – ALL your choices. 

It brings up all kinds of tough questions:

Where is the line between a strong work ethic and a balanced life? 

How can I still feel good about the work that I’m doing when I take my foot of the pedal? 

And will my peers view me as lazy or smart when I channel my drive into the pursuit of balance?

It takes a yearning deep in your core for something more: bigger, deeper, truer.

If that yearning is there, all the rest will fall into place. 

Trust me.

I know because this was me just a handful of years ago.  I woke up one day and realized that the life I was living wasn’t what I wanted – I was overworked and emotionally undernourished, constantly plugged in and perpetually disconnected, superficially successful and completely crushed on the inside.  I knew I didn’t want to live that way anymore, and from that day forward, nothing was the same.

There were lots of bumps in the road on my journey – friends that came and went, jobs that inspired but exhausted me, jobs that bored me to tears, lessons learned on my yoga mat about who I was and what I wanted, and (perhaps) a few too many beers along the way. 

There was also real connection – with my man, with friends, with family, trips abroad that affirmed how truly blessed and loved I was, nourishment for my body and soul, and professional opportunities that affirmed my worth.

Your journey will look completely different from mine.  It will be YOURs and yours alone, but I am here to guide and support you along the way.

All you have to do is put up your hand and ask.

And feel that undying, ravenous urge inside of you to live the life of your dreams. 

Are you ready?

Here's What's Really Holding You Back

I’ve spent the last few weeks talking with smart, educated, successful women about a brand-new coaching program I’m launching soon.  They’ve got credentials out the wazoo.  They’ve got prestigious job titles and nice, fat paychecks.  And they’ve got one thing in common: they’re lacking the confidence they need to live the life they dream of.

You know how I noticed?  Because, I was in their shoes not terribly long ago and from time to time, I’m still wearing them around.

And it turns out this is an epidemic among women and the basis for a book called The Confidence Code (being added to my to-read list ASAP). 

I talked a few weeks ago about 6 Tips to Up Your Confidence at Work, but what I’ve really honed in on over the past few weeks is that THIS ISN’T JUST ABOUT THE OFFICE. 

It bleeds into every area of our lives – from not speaking up in a meeting, to wanting to lose “the last 10 pounds” (seriously, this must be some kind of magic number, because I heard it from every single woman), to feeling guilty about taking time away from work or family to care for themselves.

Ladies, this is a real problem.

If you’re looking for ways to up your confidence every day, try one of these quick-fix recommendations (courtesy of The Confidence Cure):

1. Get in the right position

Research suggests that women won’t seek a promotion unless they feel they have close to 100 percent of the qualifications, while men will go for it if they think they have just 60 percent.

Now, there’s definitely a sweet spot here, and my hat’s off to the guys for figuring this one out.  You want to find a role that you excel at (60% of the qualifications) but that also pushes you outside of your comfort zone and allows you to grow (40% learning curve).

2. Don’t ‘fake it til you make it’

This ages-old adage just needs to die.  Now.

In the age of social media, there’s pressure from all sides to look and act a certain way: to have the perfect job, incredibly fun weekend adventures, exotic vacations, and be pretty and polished for a selfie at any given moment.

But, guess what?  Life doesn’t work like that.  And pretending it does is creating major anxiety for us.

Let go of the expectations and ease into what's real in the present moment.  

3. Make friends with failure

As successful women, we’re programmed to believe that failure is bad.  But failure is our best teacher and when we allow ourselves to go all in and fail fast, we learn best of all.

“Failing fast allows for constant adjustment, testing, and quick movement toward what will actually work. The beauty is that when you fail fast, or early, you have a lot less to lose. Usually you are failing small, rather than spectacularly. And you have a lot to gain from learning as you fail.” (Source: theConfidenceCode.com)

And, if you’re curious where your confidence stands relative to other women, take the free Confidence Quiz over at theConfidenceCode.com. (I scored a medium)

6 Tips to Up Your Confidence at Work

In my last corporate gig, I had a manager that just didn't understand me.  He didn’t see the value that I brought to the table.   I'm a top performer and I left work every day feeling horrible about my contribution. What's worse: over-time, I started to forget what I was truly capable of.  

While I knew I had great work in me, the lack of appreciation, understanding, or support left me feeling uninspired, unproductive, and disengaged.  My confidence at work was at an all-time low.

It's in moments like these that I'm reminded that I'm the only one responsible for my happiness and the only one capable of picking myself up.  The solution had to start with me.  Upping my confidence at work created an environment where I was more highly regarded, sought out by key people for my expertise, and just downright HAPPIER at work.

If you’re ready to ooze confidence in the office every day, try these 5 simple strategies:

1.       Have a Vision

It’s hard to get what you want if you don’t know what it is.  Develop a crystal clear vision and spend a few minutes each day thinking about it – what it looks like, what if feels like once you’ve achieved it.  Spending just a few minutes each day being mindful of you vision will leave you feeling the way you want to feel today, not just after your vision is a reality.

2.       Be Prepared

One of the best tidbits of career advice I ever got was to always be prepared to run any meeting, even if it’s not yours.  Being prepared, in any situation, shows that you are organized, resourceful, and on top of your game. Nothing screams confidence like really wowing those around you.

3.       Smile

Smiling sends a very clear message to those around you: you are happy to be in their presence and you are positive and optimistic.  Smiling helps those around you feel warm and welcomed, which will help you leave any interaction feeling confident and secure.

4.       Create Opportunities to Grow

Recognize that each day is a chance to grow as a person and a professional.  What can you do today to be just a little better than you were yesterday?  The shifts don’t need to be monumental – think about the impact that a single small change every day can make over time.

5.       Build on Your Strengths

We all have things that we are naturally great at.  Seek out opportunities to use your strengths.  If an opportunity presents itself, ask for it.  Not sure what your strengths are?  Take the Top 5 Strengths Assessment to find out.

6.       Put Yourself Out There

Just because one person doesn’t see your value, doesn’t mean others don’t or won’t.  Create opportunities where you can contribute on a broader level.Seek out new projects, talk to other teams, ask questions, get involved!  Organizational hierarchies can be tricky, so be careful navigating these waters- but that’s not an excuse not to try to put yourself out there. 

A PR Wasn’t Good Enough

AKA Why are we so hard on ourselves? + Lessons on Failure

On Sunday, I ran the Broad Street run, which is the country’s biggest 10 mile race and kind of a big deal in the City of Brotherly love.

broad st 2

It’s a wonderful race – 10 downwardly sloped miles through the heart of Philly and some diverse neighborhoods.  It was my first long distance race ever back in 2011, so it holds an extra special place in my heart.

This year was my second time running and I had big dreams of cutting close to a minute off of my per mile pace… I know that seems absurd, but my running and recovery has vastly improved since adding Crossfit, T25, and most recently P90X3 into my training routine over the past 18 months. 

My training runs were on target to meet my goal, but about 2 weeks from race day, my training fell apart.  I got distracted, I had competing priorities, it rained a lot, and running just really wasn’t that attractive to me.

Fast forward to race day.

There are about 40,000 runners who run Broad St. (not counting any rogue runners) so it’s PACKED to say the least.  I crossed the starting line probably 25 minutes after the first heat, but I was distracted and I didn’t catch the clock time.  Instead of focusing on my time, I put my phone on airplane mode and decided to focus on the race, my feet on the pavement, the cheers, the change in neighborhoods, and the excitement of the day.

When I finished, I had NO CLUE what my finish time was like.

Of course, I obsessively checked the results page every 5 minutes for it to be posted.

When it finally was, my heart sank.

I had PR’d (set a personal record for the non-runners out there), but only by 32 seconds a mile.  Even though I’d run one of my best races ever, I was disappointed to still be so far from my goal.

Writing that now, I want to smack myself. ONLY by 32 seconds a mile.  It’s absurd. 

Cutting 32 seconds off your pace is INCREDIBLE.  I should have been jumping off the rooftops, but instead I was down in the dumps.

Here’s the thing: I expect a lot from myself, not just with my running, but in every aspect of my life.  So, when I didn’t reach my goal, it was a huge blow to my ego.

I set the bar as high as freaking possible, but sometimes I don’t give myself true freedom to fail.

It really got me thinking… it’s something I see a lot with my clients (and with myself) – not just a fear, but an apprehension, about failing.  It manifests itself in all kinds of different ways – from working around the clock to meet unrealistic deadlines to never actually starting and pretty much everywhere in between.

But, the thing is, failure is a remarkable teacher.  We learn more about ourselves through failure than through any of our successes.

“Failure is the key to success; each mistake teaches us something.” –Morihei Ueshiba

This week I learned that I need to consciously practice kindness towards myself, that sometimes the experience is more valuable than hitting a goal, and that all wins (even if they aren’t the wins I want) are worthy of celebration.

What’s one lesson you’ve learned from failure?

4 Keys to Having It All

How often do we ask ourselves the question: can I have it all?

Our culture pushes us to work for the high-profile job, the big house, the fancy car, the happy marriage, the 2.5 kids, the golden retriever.  Those things will make us happy... won’t they?

having it all

If you cut through all the bull shit, having it all can actually be really simple... at the end of the day, it’s about a shift in PERSPECTIVE, not about what you have or don’t have.

Don’t get me wrong – shifting your perspective takes work.  It is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do, but the process is simple – there are just 4 keys to having it all.

1. Define what ‘having it all’ means to you. 

Success, in work and in life, looks different for each of us.  What does it look like to you?  Dedicate time to answering this question. 

What will having it all look like? 

What will having it all feel like? 

Where will you be when you have it all? 

Who will be with you? 

Get REALLY clear on your vision of having it all.  Write it out as if you already have it and reflect on it often.  

Lastly, ask yourself how your vision makes you feel?  If it doesn’t get you excited, you’re not being truthful with yourself.  If that’s the case, it’s time to go back to the drawing board.

2. Acknowledge that there will always be give and take. 

I’m pretty open about the fact that I think work life balance is bullshit – there is no such thing as balance.  Priorities are in a constant state of flux. 

It’s not all or nothing, but at any given moment in life, something will take priority.  Be OK with that.  Know that some days you’ll work late, some days you’ll need time off for family, some days you’ll be running to happy hour, and some days a romcom will be calling your name. 

3. Set aside time every day to do something you love. 

It is way too easy to get caught up in our to-do lists and in other people’s agendas.  Set aside time, even if just 5 minutes, to do something that makes you smile.  It could be as simple as savoring a delicious cup of tea or rocking out to your new favorite song.  Or it could be more involved – getting lost in a good book, going for a run, getting a massage.  Bottom line: treat yourself well each day.

make you happy

4. And the absolute most important key to having it all: be grateful for what you have now.

Gratitude is a really amazing thing.  Gratitude breeds happiness.  Gratitude breeds faith – an expectation that good things fill your life and will continue to fill it each day. 

Practicing gratitude helps us to realize, every day, how much we really do have – you know, all those things we all normally take for granted.

And, if by practicing gratitude, you look frequently, closely, and carefully, you’ll learn you already do have it all.

I Was Scared of a Wooden Box

Let me tell you a story.  It’s a story about a girl and a box.  Sadly, not a shoe box.  Just a plain old wooden box, about 18 inches high.One day, the girl went to a Crossfit class.  The board read WOD: ... something, something... lateral box jumps... something, something.  Eek!  The girl already disliked box jumps, now she had to do them SIDEWAYS?

Well, she put her big girl pants on and jumped like hell (sideways) onto that box.  She did quite well at first, but as her legs grew tired, her jumps grew sketchy. 

And then... she fell. 

Not a graceful type of fall.  More of a straddle-the-box, bruise-all-four-sides-of-your –legs, land-flat-on-your-face kind of fall.   Her eyes were burning with tears; she was fighting hard to hold them back.  In her head, she screamed “Fuck that box!”; in her heart, she was defeated and embarrassed.

She walked away that day terrified of the box and she stayed that way for over a year. 

Sometimes, she’d get it in her head that she was over it.  She’d stand at the foot of a box and she’d think about jumping.  But her feet wouldn’t budge.  Fear’s grip was tight.

That girl was me.

I’m embarrassed to share this story.  I’m even more embarrassed that I was scared of a wooden box for over a year. 

But there’s no rhyme or reason to the things that terrify us.

There’s a happy ending to this story: I jumped on a box this weekend!  15 times to be exact. 

box jumps

I beat the shit out of fear.

So, how’d I do it?

First, I made the decision that I was going to jump (literally). 

Second, I gave myself the time and space to do it.  A whole year in fact. I told myself, “I will do f’ing box jumps this year.” (those were my exact words)

Third, I declared it publicly.  I wrote it as a goal on the wall at the gym.   

Fourth, I got fired up.  Sometimes, I’d watch other women at the gym doing box jumps and I’d tell myself, “If she can do it, I can do it.”  Somewhere deep down I knew I could.

Lastly, I got focused.  I turned off all the noise in my head (thanks meditation practice!), I found a spot right up against the wall, I only looked at what was straight in front of me.  And I jumped.  BOOM!  Feet on box.

Clearly, this isn’t really a story about me vs. box jumps.  This is a story about me vs. FEAR. 

It’s a lesson about how fears hold us back from achieving things that we are totally capable of doing. 

I could have jumped on that box a year ago, but my mind was holding me back. What is fear holding you back from?

Are you ready to punch fear in the face?  I dare you to declare your fear in the comments. 

You Need an NBA Team

My friend “Bill” had what he called a basketball team: a harem of 5 women available at his beck and call.  Bill was a bit of a womanizer. I think "Bill" also had a couple of benchwarmers.  Bill was also kind of a dog.

You should have a basketball team, too.

Not the 2:30 am booty call kind.  C’mon, I give you WAY more credit than that. 

You need these 5 people to push you toward living a life you love.  Here’s your starting line-up:

1. Point Guard: Your point guard DOES NOT get caught down in the weeds with you.  Instead, they’re great at seeing the big picture and visualizing the future.  They help you keep your “eye on the prize”. 
2. Shooting Guard: Quick on the trigger, your shooting guard hates your indecision.  They push you to keep moving forward by taking shots and course-correcting when necessary.
3. Small Forward: This little powerhouse is your biggest supporter.  The “man’s best friend” of basketball, the small forward is always by your side and committed to your cause.
4. Power Forward: The power forward’s motto: “Do what you say you are going to do.”  They make you accountable and what let you forget your goals.  They’re constantly checking your progress and measure your success by the moves you make.
5. Center: Your center does just that: keeps you centered.  When the shit is hitting the fan, they’re there with you right in the thick of it, reminding you why you’re there in the first place.

Who are these people and where do you find them?  They could be anyone: the girl you see next to you on the treadmill, your boss, your mom, your man, your favorite lifestyle coach (had to!), a writer you totally dig. 

It doesn’t need to be any one you know and you don’t even ever have to tell them they’re playing for you.

Who’s on your team?  Tell me in the comments.

5 Tips for Succeeding at Life (because resolutions suck)

Resolutions suck. For real.

Less than 8% of people actually follow through with resolutions.

Are you surprised?

Me either.

Here’s the thing: resolutions are fleeting.

How about instead of setting resolutions, we just RESOLVE to CREATE LASTING LIFESTYLE CHANGE (or revolt and eat all the jelly beans... whatever.)

new years resolution

Here are 5 of my best tips to always be successful at LIFE, no matter what you’re up to:

1. Be a student

The most successful people I’ve ever met (myself included, of course) seek out opportunities to learn. And not just from their daily experiences, although that’s part of it.

Become an avid reader. Attend a seminar. Take a class. Seek knowledge.

2. Limit distractions

If you’re read my eBook, you know that I think multi-tasking is a joke. It’s old news, folks!

But did you know this: according to a study conducted by Michigan State University, interruptions as short as 3 seconds DOUBLE errors.

So every time you pick up your phone to answer a text, or check in on your Twitter feed, or chat online with a coworker, your potential for success decreases dramatically.

My quick fix suggestions: turn off email notifications, log off of instant messenger, check email and social media on a fixed schedule.

3. Be accountable

We’ve all heard this before – but how often do we actually take action?

Tell someone (ANYONE!) your goals – a spouse, friend, coach, your dog... no, don’t tell your dog... tell someone who has the ability to ask: Hey, have you paid off your credit card bill yet? Have you told your boss that you want to work part-time? Have you started planning your big family vacation?

4. Start where you're at

Let’s get cliche for a second – Rome wasn’t built in a day.

And the masterpiece that is you – as wonderful as you already are – wasn’t either. Growth, transformation, success... it’s a PROCESS.

It takes time to get from point A to B (or C or D or L). And no one’s jumping from D straight to L – first you go to E, then F... you get the point.

Meet yourself where you’re at – alphabetically or otherwise. Make the next logical step, from D to E, and move on from there.

5. Be generous

You know what feels GOOD? Being nice to people.

There’s something about sharing what you’ve got goin’ on that really elevates your whole mood, your whole world.

It doesn’t even need to cost anything: send a note, give a phone call, open a door – small gestures of generosity speak volumes and come back in spades.

This week’s challenge: Perform a selfless act of generosity. Tell me what you did and how you FEEL in the comments.

Goals with Soul: Starting 2014 Differently

Have you ever worked hard to accomplish something and then when you get it you just feel ‘blah’? So, then, you rush on to the next thing, thinking that was really what you needed all along... but, still, you feel unsatisfied, like something is missing?

“Constant racing for success creates habitual and unconscious goal-setting. We need to re-learn how to move toward our dreams — with the grace of trust, the grit of devotion, and the thrill of true presence.” -Danielle LaPorte

I often refer to myself as a classic over-achiever and that right there is me to a “T”. Once upon a time, I was pushing to prove myself in a way that caused me to completely lose track of who I was.

• I got a Master’s degree and a professional license and then left the engineering profession 6 months later.
• I completed a year of yoga teacher training and then decided I didn’t want to teach yoga.
• I worked 60- 80 hours a week at a job I was miserable at because I thought I needed a flashy title to be successful.

All the while, I was miserable, disconnected, and drained – NOT how I wanted to feel.

>>> Insert Danielle LaPorte<<<

I have a major girl-crush on Danielle. Her work The Firestarter Sessions literally changed my life. It LIT ME UP, challenged my thoughts on success, and helped me zero in on the life I wanted to live.

In FSS, Danielle introduces the idea of core desired feelings – DECIDING HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL FIRST and then setting your goals around FEELING THAT WAY. FEELING GOOD. Revo-fucking-lutionary.

But it doesn’t end there. Next, Danielle created the Desire Map – a complete system to IDENTIFY and CREATE ACTION around your core desired feelings.

This January, Desire Map bookclubs will meet up all over the world to desire, dream, and create goals with soul. For those in the Philadelphia area, I invite you to join my group (limited to 12 people). For out-of-towners, you can visit this site to find a bookclub near you.

How about starting 2014 differently? "All juice. No push. Feeling good is the goal. Check." -Danielle LaPorte

P90X3: It's an excuse killer.

I want to share a secret with you.

I owned P90X for 2.5 years before I ever tried a single workout.  While it sat collecting dust, I sat thinking there was no way I could ever do those workouts.  I was too scared to even try.

And when I finally did push play (which was freaking scary!) I made it a whopping 30 days before all my good intentions got pummeled by real life.  Sure, I'm a coach, and I love working out, but I'm a real person with a real life.  I KNOW how easy it is to get off track.  One day turns into 2, turns into 5, turns into 10, and then you're completely off your game.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

The sad truth is, most people who purchased P90X never make it the full 90 days.

There are two big complaints with P90X: it's too advanced for me and I don't have enough time to do 60-90 minute workouts 6 days a week.

I experienced them both FIRST HAND.  I GET IT.

Which is why I'm over the moon excited about P90X3... as I heard Tony Horton say this morning: "it's an excuse killer".  This program includes 16 TOTALLY NEW 30-minute workouts (including yoga and pilates!) and a back to basics, keep it simple meal plan.

Get the full details on the program and apply for my January 6th P90X3 Test Group here.